Breaking News: Barack Obama Moves American Capitol To Hawaii

President Obama gains support for moving the Nation's Capitol to a Hawaiin Beach Resort
President Obama gains support for moving the Nation's Capitol to a Hawaiin Beach Resort

Thursday, April 1, 2010: In an unprecedented Presidential move, President Barack Obama announced today that he’ll be moving the Legislative and Congressional branches of the United States to his native island of Hawaii.

“The weather’s nicer and I like looking at palm trees,” Obama said early this morning in a press conference. “DC is gray, dull and dreary. Kinda depressing. Hawaii is much more…pleasant. And green. It’s not that easy bein’ green.”

The New White House & Congress

When asked if he and his administration could legally make the move, he simply stated, “Yes We Can! This is the kind of change that will be great for Americans, especially this one,” he said pointing toward himself, “and it’ll be a groovy move for tourism to the islands. This is change we can believe in. At least I can, while I’m sipping a Coco Loco Moco with a parrot named Tiwaka at the Tiki Bar.” Obama says he got the idea to move back to Hawaii while reading a story on Tiki Lounge Talk concerning St. Patrick being a Tahitian.

Republicans immediately attacked the move as a communist threat. Right-wing professional instigator Rush Limbaugh called for immediate action. “…That (Obama) should be impeached! Or, I guess in this case, impineappled! I call for immediate impineapplement of President Obama, him with his dreams of tropical socialist cocktails and immoral Exotica music and Hula dancers and whatnot. Next he’ll enact a law that requires all Americans to opt into a universal Tiki Lounge Program, where we’ll all be forced to drink the Tiki Koolaid!” (note: Tiki Koolaid is one part fruit punch Koolaid, four parts dark rum, bitters, Orgeat syrup and a mint sprig).

The Senate Chamber will be themed after the Hawaiian Cottage in New Jersey
The Senate Chamber will be themed after the Hawaiian Cottage in New Jersey

“What I’m doing will benefit all Americans, not just the poor, or the rich, or the Tiki-minded,” Obama retorted, “By making me happy, looking at palm trees and hula girls, I’ll do an even better job than the fantastical job I’ve been doing leading America.”

In response, Republican leaders just groaned and rolled their eyes, then went off with their mistresses.

The move reminds us of a similar attempt to relocate the White House to Texas in 2004. Then President George W. Bush was adamant to change the location of his DC home “from a place with a lot of big scary buildings and old people to a nice little ranch with bunnies and horseys,” but was foiled in the Senate. Republican leaders appeased him by hanging a picture of a ranch outside the oval office window, which fooled Bush into believing he had actually moved.

The New Trump Tower & Casion, Washington DC
The New Trump Tower & Casino, Washington DC

According to a top White House efficiency expert, the cost to move the entire government 5000 miles to Hawaii will be around 3o Billion Dollars. “It’s still a lot cheaper than the war,” commented Hillary Clinton.” Besides, we’re saving a lot of money by leaving those dulls-ville judges behind,” she continued, referring to the Judicial Branch remaining in DC. “To save even more bucks, we’re moving the Supreme Court to a Days Inn in Alexandria, and renting out the State buildings to Donald Trump, who plans to turn The Capitol Building into a casino and strip club. I think he’s renaming it The Capital Strip, but that remains to be seen. Whatever he does, we’ll tax it, and that will help too.”

Obama has already started moving his family and belongings to the new Capitol, a 40-acre Beach Resort in Honolulu. “I got an ocean view now!” the President exclaimed. “Yeah man, can you dig it, Hawaii’s a lot hipper than DC. So I’m hittin’ a big bird out to that island before another snow storm hits me. I’m out.”

The last thing President Obama said as he boarded Air Force One bound for Honolulu was, “See you at the Tiki Bar. Oh, and Happy April Fools Day!”

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